Thursday, April 1

Keeping Up

This year seems to be flying by so fast that I'm finding it hard to keep up. It seems just a week ago we were hearing predictions of a snowy January, and already it's a beautiful 75 outside on April first. Midterms melt into finals, long days into shorter nights, and next week I'll be another year older. It seems my last birthday celebration was fairly recent, what with the cast and all, but it will have been eleven months ago as of today. Next week is the actual birthday itself, and I can't say I'm happier to be getting older, though I'm not unhappy about it either. I just hope this year I can learn more than I have this last year.

I've spent a bit of free time trying to look over the last while, and I've found that I've left several things unfinished. I rarely write anymore, though I have three stories untouched in their progress, and I rarely play my guitar anymore though I now have an amplifier and pedals for it. I suppose if people can have New Year's Resolutions, maybe I can have Birthday Resolutions? By next April 7th, I hope to have my stories finished and be able to play Life After Death And Taxes and Savannah. There. Now to hold myself to that.

For anybody who was a bit worried since my last blog post, I'm still sorting things out, though I'm thinking I've got it figured out a bit better. Thanks for any prayers; they helped more than you know.

I suppose I should keep up with this blog more. I will try. Though maybe not for a while, since I still have to make birthday presents for my best friend, because my computer was thoughtful enough to re-initialize and delete all my files. I, being the brilliant person I am, finished them in November but didn't think to put them on a flash drive with the rest of my files. Oh well, I guess this is more fun - living to the limit.

Here's to Peace, Love, & 75 Degree Sunny Days

Thursday, March 11

Feels Like My Shadow's Missing...

Dear anyone who reads this blog,

It's been a while. So much has happened since Christmas, I'm not sure where to begin, or even sure if I could begin. So many changes, so much to do and so little time for anything besides living day-to-day. The most prominent change is my brother's graduation. He's graduating in a few months and will be starting college this fall. I can still remember when he was 5 or 6 and always spoke in a Brooklyn accent for reasons we never did discover. And now he's all grown up. I'm proud of him, but somehow filled with melancholy nostalgia at the thought of his living so far away. Thankfully the first 2 semesters are online so for at least another year he won't be too far away.

On a more...personal level, the changes haven't been as good.
I've been at odds with life in general, and most of all, life with God. Since age ten I've been addicted to a few things I shouldn't...I won't say them here, just they're not good things. I recall months at a time, years even when things were okay but somehow I'd do one thing and be back in the ditch where I promised God I'd never go again. Sometimes I wonder - does God ever get sick of it? Sick of the same old promises and lies. Does He ever say enough's enough and write us off as lost causes? Because regardless of what I say or what I try, I always end up here where I started.
But lately I've found that I'm alright. I'll get to a point where I think things are going to be okay. And then it's like I take Jesus' hand, and say "let's go" and the first step is where I trip and fall back again.
And then I get this feeling of what's the point? What's the point in trying? If I can't do it, why try anymore? So I give up on it all. And that's when I know it's the bottom of everything. There's an emptiness and I've never felt it until now. I see my unsaved friends having the 'time of their lives' but I know they feel it too, late at night when they try to sleep. Thing is, I remember back to my Bible Doctrine course, when Pastor Schettler said that the Christian can't possibly enjoy a life apart from God like the unsaved person can. So when I'm at odds with God, it's pretty much just the worst days of my life in general.

I guess I just don't know where I stand. This morning as I was thinking through what I would post in this blog post, I came to the conclusion "I'm somewhere between lost and found."
And honestly, that scares me very much. I don't want to be lost. I want to be found.
But I feel like I'll never make it past all this. I'll never make it...

Here's to Peace, Love, & Second Chances?

Friday, December 25

Merry Christmas

Today we celebrate the birth of a Baby. A Baby literally born in a stable, a cave, the lowliest of dwellings. But that Baby would one day do great miracles and works. And one day, He would die for the sins of the world. That Baby will one day rule over all the nations as eternal Lord and King.
Today we celebrate His humble birth. And we offer Him thanks for His great plan of salvation for us.

It's funny though, what society tells us Christmas is 'really about'. It's funny, the feelings they say we should feel, the traditions we should follow. It's funny how little of it has anything to do with the true Christmas Story. Most years I anticipate Christmas like no other day. I bake all sorts of treats, I count all the presents enough times to memorize their recipients by sight, I count down to midnight Christmas Eve like a small child would. But this year, it's different. Nothing seems that important this year. Not even the music or the lights or the movies, which I shamelessly admit are my favorite parts of the holiday season. It all feels far away and distant to me, but I'm starting to think maybe it's better. I've been doing more thinking on Jesus and His plan for us more than Santa and his gifts. It's still disappointing though. I wanted to be one of those people who is fully 44 and still has that childlike excitement. I never wanted to grow up...

I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day spending time with my family. Christmas Eve, we all played video games, which I lost. And we sang carols together around the piano. We watched "It's A Wonderful Life" which has to be one of my favorite traditions. And afterwords we watched "The Santa Clause" which is my favorite Christmas movie. I remember watching it every year since it came out. Soon after midnight, I went to sleep. I woke around 3, but not wanting to wake my parents or brother up, I stayed in bed, and listened to Christmas music. Just thinking, dreaming, remembering. I attempted to turn on the Christmas tree lights in the living room, but there were so many presents I couldn't find, let alone reach, the switch. I found a walking stick and poked around a bit with my right hand, while holding my cell phone in my left to use the light to find the switch. Thank goodness the neighbors were still asleep; I must have looked insane. Around 4, I convinced myself I was going to be tired, so I set an alarm for 5 and fell back asleep. When I woke up again, my mom had just turned on the Christmas tree lights, and was about to head back up to sleep. Think again. My brother woke up and wanted to get right into the present-opening. He woke up my dad, and by 6, we were all assembled in the living room, fresh-brewed coffee in hand, A Piano Christmas playing softly in the background (as is tradition) ready to open gifts. Being an organized group, we took turns unwrapping one-by-one. My parents went all-out with gifts this year. There were several signed "Santa" for both my brother and, surprisingly, me as well. There was also one signed "Relient K" and another from "Adam Young", but that's just my parents being creative as always.
I must admit though, I missed quite the party...Santa, Adam Young, the Relient K members, Mickey Mouse, Donald and Daisy Duck, and Demi Lovato all in the living room last night placing gifts underneath the tree...

Anyway, the best part of Christmas morning is watching the faces of everyone else as they open the gift I gave them. To know it brings them joy makes me feel warm on the inside. After the seemingly endless assortment of boxes and bows had been sorted out and their contents revealed, there were two more gifts. The one for my brother was a set of Garage Band Jam Packs (all you computer-savvy folks out there, I'm sorry but I have no idea what that is) and as he opened them, his expression reminded me of when he was little and had just discovered how to ride a bicycle. Then I received one last gift. A custom green Relient K PRS Se1 guitar. I literally was near to tears. It's the first actual guitar I've ever played, let alone the first one to call my own. I could never even dream of affording it myself. The worship leader at church lent an old amplifier to me until I could purchase my own (if you're reading this, thanks so much, Ethan!) so I spent near two hours jamming out rather badly to each and every song I could think of to play. It was amazing.
My brother also opened New Super Mario Brothers Wii or something like that. The four of us played that for hours this afternoon. My brother's the only very good gamer in the family, but it was a fun, laughter-filled experience I'll never forget. We also read The Christmas Story, which is a childrens adaptation of Luke 2. We've read it every year since I was 2 years old.
It brought back that rush of nostalgia, and for the first time, I felt like it really was Christmas again.

Today, we celebrate the birth of a Baby. You may celebrate by reading from Scripture, singing carols, exchanging gifts, or simply spending time with family and those you love. But however you do it, keep Jesus at the center.

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"

Merry Christmas,

Friday, December 4

A Breath Of Winter Air

Dear Bloggers,
We are gathered here today in memory of this blog, who died of neglect and choked to death on the accumulated dust. It was a faithful blog, always letting me ramble, never judging me for failing in my use of markup, and very rarely did it ever mess up and post multiple times.
So sorry about all that.

Things here were so...indescribable. Ever since my cousin arrived, things got insanely busy. Between my studies, his trying to adjust to a new sleep schedule, trying to show him America in 4 weeks, the holidays, and the church Christmas program, it's been hard to get a breath in.

My cousin was not what I expected. I somehow thought he'd be a grown-up Christopher Robin. Prim and proper and slightly boring. I was far off in my assumption. He was exciting, and fun to be around, and made peanut butter no bake cookies. He played video games (it's been months since I had played video games), board games, helped me with my guitar, decorated for Christmas, and made gingerbread cookies with me. It's funny how you can not meet someone your entire life, and after a month cry so much when you say goodbye. He says he'll come back to visit again next year. He has to. He didn't see our town's giant plastic mouse on this visit.

The church Christmas program is next Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I'm singing in the choir. I get to hit a high G, which is challenging, but fun nonetheless. I like it. I'm a second soprano, so I don't have the hardest parts. And I love singing. The only thing I don't like is the people in the choir. The director is married to the first soprano (who I swear could sing opera) so she gets solos. She's friends with this alto (who I extremely dislike because she is so self-centered [and I have to stand behind her....I contemplated the distance between my choir folder and her head last week...but then I decided that would be childish]) she's friends with her so the alto gets solos too. And the alto is friends with this other alto who is absolutely horrible. She literally insults everybody to their face, and then turns around and smiles sweetly and leads worship Sundays. But I'm complaining. I'm not in choir for socializing, I'm in it to spread the good news of Christmas, so I should keep that as my goal and not get distracted by judging others.

Thanksgiving was fun. My whole family made it with Phil a week early. Then a week later on the actual day, we watched the parade, then went to the Pastor's house and played games and ate the actual dinner. That was enjoyable.

The day after, I had to wake up early. Not for sales, but to get Phil to the airport for his early morning flight. Along the way we stopped and did go shopping as soon as Jo-Ann Fabrics opened. A particular item was $200 off. We proudly drove away with the last one in the whole store. After dropping Phil off at the airport, I went to the mall. I needed a shirt for the Christmas program, but I ended up only finding one and it was far too expensive. I wanted to go to Hot Topic to get some new arm warmers, but it was so crowded that I decided it could wait for that. The only Black Friday excitement I ran into was the front window of Macy's was shattered. I'm not sure how or why, but it was. And there were police and caution tape. I think it was a mannequin that got pushed through it, but I heard people saying it was a person. But that's how rumors begin, so I would rather just leave it at a mannequin. Less violent.

It's been a week since then. Life's finally slowing down. Yesterday the first few snowflakes fell softly. By last night there were two inches of snow on the ground. I went out on the front porch to turn off the Christmas lights, and paused for a breath of winter air.
I love Christmas time.

So, I promise I'll make this thing live again. There's magic in the air, something exciting is bound to happen.

Here's to Peace, Love, & Virtual Funerals

Wednesday, October 28

The Endless Dull

Fall has come to my little corner of the world. With it, it's brought the gloomy dull of a dead autumn. The leaves were only beginning to transform into fiery glimmers of golden ochre when a sudden rainstorm left the trees empty of all but a few straggling survivors.

It's also brought a lifeless shade of dull to my days. There is little to capture my interest, and the endless hours seem to drag by, pulling me with them into silent solemnity.

My only thought to remedy all this is to focus on the things I have done lately. So I'll share them on here.

My cousin is a flight attendant in Dubai. He gets a month off, so he's coming to live here. I gave him my room. I moved a bed into the attic. Which is fine. It's like a little piece of the world all to myself. Not that my room wasn't, but I guess it's just different. He's great though. He's originally from Australia, and I had never met him until last night, but he has the best accent. The four-hour drive home from the airport was entertaining to say the least. Anyway, he's still adjusting to the fact that it's 11 hours in the past here compared to Dubai, so he's been sleeping all day so far. I can't imagine time traveling like that. I'd probably sleep an entire week.

I've felt very far from everybody lately. I suppose that's normal, but it still makes me feel strange. As far as friends go, one's busy with school, another gone for 3 weeks to Canada, another just hasn't spoken to me much. Somehow I think he's mad at me, but I wouldn't know since we haven't talked. I guess I should just move on because 'I have better things to do' but to be honest, I really don't have better things to do. Except study, but I do that anyway. I don't know. I suppose you could just say I'm lonely.

I also made a YouTube account. I bought a new digital video camera last night. I intend to make video blogs. I do not, however, intend to show them to you. If you get bored enough, you'll find them and you'll recognize my channel by the colors and description, as they match my page here. It should be interesting to say the least. I'll probably get alot of rude comments as is the norm with that silly website, but I don't really care what they say.

So that's my life. Talking about it actually does seem to make it seem a bit more lively. Maybe it's just me who feels so dead...

Here's to Peace, Love, & Fall

Monday, October 12


So today I woke up around 6:00. I had an 8:00 appointment. To get all my wisdom teeth removed. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything past midnight last night, which may sound simple to most people, but I'm hypoglycemic, so without sugar in my blood, I could potentially throw up, pass out, or go into a lethargic state. So I was up most of last night worrying, imagining the worst case scenarios that could occur on the hour drive to the oral surgeon. The rest of last night was spent dreaming those scenarios through with the ever present help of the Pevensie children, the Chinese mafia, and Matt Hoopes. My dreams are always like that though.

Anyway, all my worries were for nothing. I didn't pass out on the way there, I didn't die of thirst, and the Chinese mafia did not shoot a hole through the back windshield.

At the dentist, things went okay. I very calmly allowed them to put oxygen through my nose, I barely squinted when they started my IV. I smiled politely when they had to remove it and start it again. After they put me under the influence of the anesthetic, I don't remember much. Somewhere the corner of my consciousness was aware that they were talking. I could hear the conversation. One of the assistants was going to a concert with her daughter next Friday. The other assistant said I had some of the longest eyelashes she'd ever seen. The Doctor reminisced about his days on the cheer squad at high school when someone brought up the school color change taking place next year.

The next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room, mouth stuffed full of gauze. I couldn't swallow - that scared me. One of the assistants helped change the gauze a few different times before I was released and free to go home. Due to the fact I was still under the influence of the anesthetic, my mom drove me home. On the way I got a milkshake from Wendy's but I spilled most of it since I couldn't feel anything.

The nurse said the medication I'm on has a few psychological side effects. It's good to know the fact that I keep bursting into tears for no reason at least has some explanation. The numbness is wearing off, and now all that's left senseless is a bit of the left side of my mouth. My mouth still tastes like blood, and I'm told that it will continue to bleed off and on for the next two days.

I'm recovering though. I have knitting to keep me busy, I have Relient K to listen to, and I have my friends to type to when it hurts to talk. I'll be okay. Recovering might be a bit long, but once it's done, I'll be back to my normal everyday life where the biggest adventure is choir practice on Sundays.

Here's to Peace, Love, & Recovery

Saturday, October 10

The Post With No Clever Name

I can't think of a title to fit today's post. Not one that's been done before.

Lately I've not quite been myself. Not because of being sick or anything. More because of certain situations. It seems anymore life is just falling into pitfall after pitfall for me. The latest one I can't seem to get out of. I feel like it's pulling me away to becoming someone else that I don't want to be. It's been bringing me down emotionally for sure, but even physically - I can hardly sleep at night because it's been invading my dreams. I've been a bit of a wreck until yesterday.

Last night I got to talk to PJ/ for a few hours. He's one of those friends you know you're blessed to have - the ones who inspire you to be a better person. We stayed up half the night on MSN like we always used to. For a while, everything was how it always was. After we said goodnight around 3 in the morning, I lay awake thinking for a while.

I'm sick of lying. Sick of feeling nervous. Sick of all the drama.
So I've made up my mind that I'm not going back to it all this time. I want to be the way I used to be a year ago where nothing could ever bring me down and I didn't have any cares. And so far today, it's gone pretty well I'd say.

Forget And Not Slow Down came in the mail the other day. I'll post a review for you guys in a few days.

Here's To Peace, Love, & Escaping