This year seems to be flying by so fast that I'm finding it hard to keep up. It seems just a week ago we were hearing predictions of a snowy January, and already it's a beautiful 75 outside on April first. Midterms melt into finals, long days into shorter nights, and next week I'll be another year older. It seems my last birthday celebration was fairly recent, what with the cast and all, but it will have been eleven months ago as of today. Next week is the actual birthday itself, and I can't say I'm happier to be getting older, though I'm not unhappy about it either. I just hope this year I can learn more than I have this last year.
I've spent a bit of free time trying to look over the last while, and I've found that I've left several things unfinished. I rarely write anymore, though I have three stories untouched in their progress, and I rarely play my guitar anymore though I now have an amplifier and pedals for it. I suppose if people can have New Year's Resolutions, maybe I can have Birthday Resolutions? By next April 7th, I hope to have my stories finished and be able to play Life After Death And Taxes and Savannah. There. Now to hold myself to that.
For anybody who was a bit worried since my last blog post, I'm still sorting things out, though I'm thinking I've got it figured out a bit better. Thanks for any prayers; they helped more than you know.
I suppose I should keep up with this blog more. I will try. Though maybe not for a while, since I still have to make birthday presents for my best friend, because my computer was thoughtful enough to re-initialize and delete all my files. I, being the brilliant person I am, finished them in November but didn't think to put them on a flash drive with the rest of my files. Oh well, I guess this is more fun - living to the limit.
Here's to Peace, Love, & 75 Degree Sunny Days
~Lola
Thursday, April 1
Thursday, March 11
Feels Like My Shadow's Missing...
Dear anyone who reads this blog,
It's been a while. So much has happened since Christmas, I'm not sure where to begin, or even sure if I could begin. So many changes, so much to do and so little time for anything besides living day-to-day. The most prominent change is my brother's graduation. He's graduating in a few months and will be starting college this fall. I can still remember when he was 5 or 6 and always spoke in a Brooklyn accent for reasons we never did discover. And now he's all grown up. I'm proud of him, but somehow filled with melancholy nostalgia at the thought of his living so far away. Thankfully the first 2 semesters are online so for at least another year he won't be too far away.
On a more...personal level, the changes haven't been as good.
I've been at odds with life in general, and most of all, life with God. Since age ten I've been addicted to a few things I shouldn't...I won't say them here, just they're not good things. I recall months at a time, years even when things were okay but somehow I'd do one thing and be back in the ditch where I promised God I'd never go again. Sometimes I wonder - does God ever get sick of it? Sick of the same old promises and lies. Does He ever say enough's enough and write us off as lost causes? Because regardless of what I say or what I try, I always end up here where I started.
But lately I've found that I'm alright. I'll get to a point where I think things are going to be okay. And then it's like I take Jesus' hand, and say "let's go" and the first step is where I trip and fall back again.
And then I get this feeling of what's the point? What's the point in trying? If I can't do it, why try anymore? So I give up on it all. And that's when I know it's the bottom of everything. There's an emptiness and I've never felt it until now. I see my unsaved friends having the 'time of their lives' but I know they feel it too, late at night when they try to sleep. Thing is, I remember back to my Bible Doctrine course, when Pastor Schettler said that the Christian can't possibly enjoy a life apart from God like the unsaved person can. So when I'm at odds with God, it's pretty much just the worst days of my life in general.
I guess I just don't know where I stand. This morning as I was thinking through what I would post in this blog post, I came to the conclusion "I'm somewhere between lost and found."
And honestly, that scares me very much. I don't want to be lost. I want to be found.
But I feel like I'll never make it past all this. I'll never make it...
Here's to Peace, Love, & Second Chances?
~Lola
It's been a while. So much has happened since Christmas, I'm not sure where to begin, or even sure if I could begin. So many changes, so much to do and so little time for anything besides living day-to-day. The most prominent change is my brother's graduation. He's graduating in a few months and will be starting college this fall. I can still remember when he was 5 or 6 and always spoke in a Brooklyn accent for reasons we never did discover. And now he's all grown up. I'm proud of him, but somehow filled with melancholy nostalgia at the thought of his living so far away. Thankfully the first 2 semesters are online so for at least another year he won't be too far away.
On a more...personal level, the changes haven't been as good.
I've been at odds with life in general, and most of all, life with God. Since age ten I've been addicted to a few things I shouldn't...I won't say them here, just they're not good things. I recall months at a time, years even when things were okay but somehow I'd do one thing and be back in the ditch where I promised God I'd never go again. Sometimes I wonder - does God ever get sick of it? Sick of the same old promises and lies. Does He ever say enough's enough and write us off as lost causes? Because regardless of what I say or what I try, I always end up here where I started.
But lately I've found that I'm alright. I'll get to a point where I think things are going to be okay. And then it's like I take Jesus' hand, and say "let's go" and the first step is where I trip and fall back again.
And then I get this feeling of what's the point? What's the point in trying? If I can't do it, why try anymore? So I give up on it all. And that's when I know it's the bottom of everything. There's an emptiness and I've never felt it until now. I see my unsaved friends having the 'time of their lives' but I know they feel it too, late at night when they try to sleep. Thing is, I remember back to my Bible Doctrine course, when Pastor Schettler said that the Christian can't possibly enjoy a life apart from God like the unsaved person can. So when I'm at odds with God, it's pretty much just the worst days of my life in general.
I guess I just don't know where I stand. This morning as I was thinking through what I would post in this blog post, I came to the conclusion "I'm somewhere between lost and found."
And honestly, that scares me very much. I don't want to be lost. I want to be found.
But I feel like I'll never make it past all this. I'll never make it...
Here's to Peace, Love, & Second Chances?
~Lola
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