Thursday, March 11

Feels Like My Shadow's Missing...

Dear anyone who reads this blog,

It's been a while. So much has happened since Christmas, I'm not sure where to begin, or even sure if I could begin. So many changes, so much to do and so little time for anything besides living day-to-day. The most prominent change is my brother's graduation. He's graduating in a few months and will be starting college this fall. I can still remember when he was 5 or 6 and always spoke in a Brooklyn accent for reasons we never did discover. And now he's all grown up. I'm proud of him, but somehow filled with melancholy nostalgia at the thought of his living so far away. Thankfully the first 2 semesters are online so for at least another year he won't be too far away.

On a more...personal level, the changes haven't been as good.
I've been at odds with life in general, and most of all, life with God. Since age ten I've been addicted to a few things I shouldn't...I won't say them here, just they're not good things. I recall months at a time, years even when things were okay but somehow I'd do one thing and be back in the ditch where I promised God I'd never go again. Sometimes I wonder - does God ever get sick of it? Sick of the same old promises and lies. Does He ever say enough's enough and write us off as lost causes? Because regardless of what I say or what I try, I always end up here where I started.
But lately I've found that I'm alright. I'll get to a point where I think things are going to be okay. And then it's like I take Jesus' hand, and say "let's go" and the first step is where I trip and fall back again.
And then I get this feeling of what's the point? What's the point in trying? If I can't do it, why try anymore? So I give up on it all. And that's when I know it's the bottom of everything. There's an emptiness and I've never felt it until now. I see my unsaved friends having the 'time of their lives' but I know they feel it too, late at night when they try to sleep. Thing is, I remember back to my Bible Doctrine course, when Pastor Schettler said that the Christian can't possibly enjoy a life apart from God like the unsaved person can. So when I'm at odds with God, it's pretty much just the worst days of my life in general.

I guess I just don't know where I stand. This morning as I was thinking through what I would post in this blog post, I came to the conclusion "I'm somewhere between lost and found."
And honestly, that scares me very much. I don't want to be lost. I want to be found.
But I feel like I'll never make it past all this. I'll never make it...

Here's to Peace, Love, & Second Chances?
~Lola